My Decision…

Not too long ago a very close friend of mine, Seaside, was IMing me, asking if I would be ok. First I was wondering why she would ask me that, but then she told me she was following my flickr and the latest, and very dark pictures did concern her. I thought that was very sweet and I tried to explain to her why I do have this super dark and destructive side as well. I was suffering of depressions a very long time of my life and I sometimes still do, but I learning to live and work with them. So if I do those very dark and morbid pictures, to me it is like checking up on an old friend, deep inside of me. This friend will never leave me, but we both learned how to co-exist. I just have to go there sometimes, to check on him and if he still is there in place, where I put him a long time ago. I do not know if that makes sense, but for me it is kinda like therapy and it does work out 90% of the time. The hard times, where I often was close to the moment of giving up, or even tried to give up are gone and that is what counts for me.

For quite some time, I did not want to see that. I thought with medicine, pills and therapy I can make it go away – I just wanted to ‘heal’. After many different attempts to do that, I met a wonderful person, that to me was more valuable than every therapist I ever met before. He was a therapist too, but I did not met him as a patient, I met him at one of my concerts and we became friends over the time. After we met several times we had a discussion about depressions and he gave me a completely new view on it. He told me, depressions would be kinda the same thing as being alcohol addicted, you can fight the symptoms, but not the facts, case or reasons. He stated, that I can decide, if I let the depressions take over my life or if I take control over the depressions. That sounds very easy , but it is not and I probably would not have been able to do that without any help. I was very lucky to have real friends and family, who helped me over the time of the learning process and it was not done in just a few weeks – it took years.

I decided to take control – even if I maybe never will have 100% of control, it made my life way easier that to just give up and live for the depressions. I wanted more from my life that what my depressions would have allowed me to do. But like I said before, sometimes that ‘old friend’ knocks at my door and I have to decide if I let him in, or if I just go out with him for a while or even go visit him at his place, where I can leave him when ever I want.

I know, depressions can be very different and there is no general solution for that, but you always have decision to fight against or to give up – I never won’t judge over someones decision, as either of both is an option to choose and while one can be good for someone, it can be bad for another person.

I hope, I could make sense with my words – English is not my first language 😉

Outfit & Accessories

Outfit: Enfant Terrible – “Kimi” (Maitreya)

Boots: Blueberry – “Celia Boots – High Heels” (Maitreya)

Rings: Elle Boutique – “Bloom” (Maitreya, Bento)

Collar: Salt & Pepper – “Slumber Party” (Gacha, Rare)

Hair & Makeup

Hair: no.match – “No.Role”

Makeup: Zibska – “Mina Liner” (LeLutka Applier, Ltd. Gift)

Body & Tattoo

Head: LeLeutka – “Simone 3.0”

Body: Maitreya – “Lara 4.1”

Face: Izzie’s – “Pores & Blemishes” (LeLutka Applier)

Tattoo: [White~Widow] – “Anon” (Maitreya Applier)

Poses & Props

Prop: R.O.T. – “End Nature”

Poses: Foxcity – “Stairs (Sitting)” (Bento)

Model & Photographer

Wicca Merlin

2 thoughts on “My Decision…

  1. Beautifully written, Sweetheart.
    I noticed you see your depression as a ‘him’.
    I see mine as a him, as well. But more as an It — a heavy dark woolen shroud.
    Either can be scary, though, if not kept in check.

    • Oh I did not realize that, maybe it is because the word “friend” in German has a male article to it. Maybe thats why in the first place. I never activly thought about the friend being male or female. But it is interesting… I hve to think about that more now 🙂

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