BDSM or Fetish… for many that instantly leads to perverts… but it isn’t about being pervert at all and many tried some things that will fall under this topic without even knowing or realizing!
I was thinking a long time about what it was, that pushed BDSM in the dark corner for so many people when they first hear about it. Probably it was the media and/or movie industry that did the most part to it, as you only read about cruelty, pain and forced actions and the typical backyard Domina that cracks the whip on some poor, nerdy, greasy and sleazy male in an inflated way of showing her power. To be honest, that is something I do not need or want to see either – but what ever floats your boat :p
But did you ever read about it in the newspaper when someone covered her/his partners eyes with a satin cloth or pinned his/her arm to the bed with her hands while kissing his/her body? Certainly not, as that doesn’t have the publicity impact of the first scenario I named above.
Lets see what Wikipedia says about BDSM:
BDSM is a variety of often erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other related interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practising BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community or subculture is usually dependent upon self-identification and shared experience.
The term “BDSM” is first recorded in a Usenet posting from 1991, and is interpreted as a combination of the abbreviations B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism). BDSM is now used as a catch-all phrase covering a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures. BDSM communities generally welcome anyone with a non-normative streak who identifies with the community; this may include cross-dressers, body modification enthusiasts, animal roleplayers, rubber fetishists, and others.
Activities and relationships within a BDSM context are often characterized by the participants taking on complementary, but unequal roles; thus, the idea of informed consent of both the partners is essential. The terms “submissive” and “dominant” are often used to distinguish these roles: the dominant partner (“dom”) takes psychological control over the submissive (“sub”). The terms “top” and “bottom” are also used: the top is the instigator of an action while the bottom is the receiver of the action. The two sets of terms are subtly different: for example, someone may choose to act as bottom to another person, for example, by being whipped, purely recreationally, without any implication of being psychologically dominated by them, or a submissive may be ordered to massage their dominant partner. Despite the bottom performing the action and the top receiving they have not necessarily switched roles.
The abbreviations “sub” and “dom” are frequently used instead of “submissive” and “dominant”. Sometimes the female-specific terms “mistress”, “domme” or “dominatrix” are used to describe a dominant woman, instead of the gender-neutral term “dom”. Individuals who can change between top/dominant and bottom/submissive roles—whether from relationship to relationship or within a given relationship—are known as switches. The precise definition of roles and self-identification is a common subject of debate within the community.
If you read the Wikipedia excerpt, you will think that sounds like everything and nothing, but that is exactly what it is! It can be everything and it can be just a tiny little thing and it doesn’t always involve pain or any “pervert” action. BDSM has so many different shades and fields that you would have a hard time to name them all and the same it is for Fetish… if you look at Wikipedia what it has to say about fetish… you even have to decide first in what way you wanna look at it as you get the choices Anthropological, Sexual, Arts and Business. If you google for the definition of Fetish you will find something like: If someone has a fetish, they have an unusually strong liking or need for a particular object or activity.” or “If you say that someone has a fetish for doing something, you disapprove of the fact that they do it very often or enjoy it very much.” [Collins Dictionary]
According to that, Fetish doesn’t even have to be a sexual thing only! I have a friend, that cannot leave her home with having 2 different colored socks on. She is not menatlly ill or sick – that’s her fetish if you want to see it like that. Another of my friends has to have jeans from a certain brand since he is 20, he would never ever wear different jeans – that’s his fetish.
Certainly we use the word fetish in a sexual way as well, but what is wrong about wearing a blindfold in bed here and there and get seduced by someone? What is wrong by restricting movements a little bit, to get more intense feelings as long as both agree on it?
Maybe that is the issue for many as they think, a Dominant/Top can do everything what he wants to his submissive/bottom. But exactly that is the thing… they only can do as much as the submissive allows, if you follow the code called SSC – Safe, Sane & Consensual, which means that everything is based on safe activities, that all participants be of sufficiently sound/sane mind to consent, and that all participants do consent. It is mutual consent that makes a clear legal and ethical distinction between BDSM and such crimes as sexual assault or domestic violence.
What is pervert about something, that all the involved parties do like and if they do not bother or harm anyone or anything outside the partnership or group? I do not have an answer to that and that is why I do not call BDSM or Fetish pervert at all – there is other things in the world happening that we do hear and read in the news everyday, that fit way more to that term in my opinion.
All of us do have sexual dreams and desires and only some of us will be able to live their dreams. Maybe it is jealousy, if others do call those dreams and desires pervert, as they can and or do not want to live theirs, but even that is fine as I just said before – what ever floats your boat.
I do think it is great, if you can have a nibble of “forbidden” fruit and have some dreams or desires come true. Some of them may feel better as dreams, but you will never know if you did not try.My first fetish experience was, when one of my ex-boyfriends (I was 16, he was 18) tied my hands to the top of the bed with a satin scarf and caressed me slow and gently. It wasn’t harsh, it wasn’t painful, we did not even have sex in that moment – it just was a complete new experience for me. From that moment on I wanted to know more about it – fun part of that story… my ex-partner didn’t 😉
I am a strong woman, I worked/work in a men dominated world called music business, teach at a school and still I had the desire of D/s relationship for a long time – even before I really did look more into BDSM and Fetish, I loved the idea of a gentleman that opens the door, decides the menu when we go out for dinner and basically carries his girl “on his arms” (in German that is kinda a quote for if a girl is precious for his man). D/s doesn’t mean that the Top just shouts orders and the sub runs accomplishing that… I was told that is called “Army” *snickers*
Maybe I can say, in a D/s relation ship, to me it feels like the sub is a precious gift for the Top, that he handles with care, love and all his abilities, so that it doesn’t get hurt, damaged or broken physical or psychological.
Even the belletristic and the movie world started to change the view about BDSM and Fetish. While in the 70s/80s ‘The Story of O’ and ‘Venus in Fur’ were two of the most popular examples, in the 90s/2000s we have ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, ‘Secretary’, ‘Crossfire’ or the ’80 Days’ series, which give a complete different view about the topic, even make it more presentable to the public. Maybe that helps to drag this kind of stories, movies, dreams and desires out of the dark corners, out of the dirty backyards and shadows that the past pushed them into. Maybe the world is more ready nowadays to allow those things to happen or at least accept, that they are happening without pointing a finger and calling it bad things only.
As we can see in Second Life, the BDSM and Fetish communities are huge and many enjoy things they maybe cannot do in real life for various reasons. It seems to be something that attracts a lot of people and still many of them need to hide it from their friends and family, which is sad in my view. If they do enjoy it so much, if it is part of them, it is part of the great person that all of them know. I am sure many would love to share their experiences with people close to them, many would love to show their collar they are wearing without being judged in a bad way. But they are still damned to hide that even in Second Life, for example in modeling, as they are still being avoided if they are connected to such “pervert” things. I am not saying they should run around, shouting it over the grid or bother each and everyone with their experiences or put titles above their heads – non of the people I know ever did that in real life either – but where is the problem, if they do have a PG sounding statement in their profiles about having a Master or Mistress, what is wrong with a picture on Flickr wearing a collar or cuffs? With all the non BDSM or Fetish looking porn and non artistic nude pictures on Flickr – seriously a artistic and classic looking lingerie picture being bound or blindfolded would matter??? I do dislike all the pictures where girls hold their pixel boobies into my face bluntly, for no other reason that clicks and likes, on Flickr way more than a tasteful Fetish picture…
I would love to hear your opinion about it – if you can or want to share yours, I will be happy if you put it in the comments 😉
Boots: -KC- – “Aletheia Boots” (Maitreya)
Gloves: .:Avanti:. – “Tessa Gloves” (Maitreya Applier)
Stockings: Avi Candy – “Lace Black Seam [Licorice]” (Maitreya Applier)
Armlets: .:E.A.Studio:. – “Pyper 69”
Hair & Makeup
Hair: no.match – “No.Cake”
Makeup: Zibska – “Noir Pack 06” (Maitreya Applier)
Body & Tattoo
Head: LeLutka – “Simone 3.3”
Body: Maitreya – “Lara 4.1”
Tattoo: [White~Widow] – “Inferno” (Maitreya Applier)
Poses & Props
22769 – “The Messy Book Shop” (Gacha, Rare)
22769 – “Big Bookshelf” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Small Bookshelf” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Worn Rug” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Side Table” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Bookstore Table Lamp” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Nestchair” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Pipes Shelf” (Gacha, VIP Reward)
22769 – “Row Of Books” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Tall Stack Of Books” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Cluster Of Books” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Repaired Chair” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Chair with Books” (Gacha, Common)
22769 – “Table With Books” (Gacha, Common)